i am swiftly approaching the end of my 5th pregnancy. it has been different on so many levels. mainly this is due to my own change of heart and the inability to ignore all that I have learned in my reading and research. as i was practicing my relaxation and preparing for the impending labor and birth i began to reflect on how differently things could have gone had i known then what i know now. so i decided to blog it as a way to preserve my thoughts for the future.
for those reading, this is by no means intended to condemn anyone for making different decisions or having a different belief than i do. i’ve been there–feeling condemned–and it isn’t pleasant. this is simply me writing down my own personal journey in the hope that it encourages and/or informs other women who may be on a similar journey. please, please note that this letter is to myself–ME–not you. your birth is yours–own it and take responsibility for the decisions you made and/or will make. be confident, stop reading what i am not saying, and stop taking everything as an insult to or indictment on your own experience. we are not rivals, this is not a competition. we are mature, strong women and mothers– let’s sincerely support one another’s right to choose how, where, and with whom to give birth.
dear first time pregnant self,
if i could go back and tell you a few things i’d start with these:
1. do not believe the myth that pregnancy is a disease and ALL births are an emergency. your body was created and designed to gestate and birth babies safely and efficiently without unnecessary intervention.
2. theology matters. it is hypocritical for you to say that you believe in a Creator God who is ultimately good and just and whose timing is always perfect and then give Him no space to influence and guide the decisions you make regarding how and when your baby is born. you have been given a blessing to be fruitful and multiply (genesis 3), how then could you buy into the belief that to do so is inherently dangerous and needs to be managed by all of the medical technology the American medical system has to offer? do not compartmentalize–pregnancy, birth, and child-rearing are spiritual matters. pray, study the word, seek godly counsel–it really is THAT important.
3. do at least as much research regarding choosing the right care provider, birth location, and common procedures, tests, and interventions and their subsequent risks as you have done on strollers, swings, carseats, and various other baby “must-haves”.
4. do not underestimate how much this pregnancy and birth will affect your husband. he is an essential element to the entire process–from conception to breastfeeding–not an awkward bystander. do not allow the medical establishment to push him to the side, relegate him to the head of the bed, and ignore the reality that he has just as much physically and emotionally invested in this child as you do. you didn’t “do all the work”, that’s a lie. let him be your strength, your protection, and your support, he thrives in that place.
5. ask questions about every.single.thing. and don’t stop asking questions until you get complete answers. informed consent implies that someone is truthfully and transparently informing you from a non-biased position. a few questions to get you started: why do I need this test? what will it actually tell us? what are the side effects? is it 100% safe for my baby? have the potential risks/outcomes/benefits of this test/procedure been thoroughly and exhaustively studied? *what does the scientific research and evidence say on the matter? what are the risks/benefits to me and my baby of consenting to this test/procedure? what are the risks/benefits to me and my baby of declining this test/procedure? *if you only ask 1 question make it this one. fight for evidence based care for you and and your baby. and it will be a fight. the US is ranked 49th in maternal mortality rates. it is now more dangerous for us to give birth than it was for our mother’s before us. and this is all despite the fact that the US spends more than any other country on maternity care. the problem is is that most of medical establishment is no longer practicing evidence-based care and women are dying. this should never be taken lightly.
6. do not consent to an induction unless there is clear evidence that the risks of leaving baby alone outweigh the risks of forcing baby out before he is ready. (oh, they didn’t mention the risks? do your own research ASAP and start asking the questions mentioned above.) one day when you are older and wiser you will find that much of the research indicates that baby’s release a protein into the amniotic fluid when their lungs are fully mature and ready for the outside world. it is this protein that most researchers believe triggers the beginning of labor. baby’s don’t understand ‘due dates’, they certainly have no concept of calendars or time (this lesson comes during the newborn stage), but what they do know is how and when to be born. your baby is not going to be a giant, there is most likely nothing wrong with your pelvis and if it really is urgent then the doctor won’t mind scheduling the induction right away–perhaps saturday at 9 a.m.? (fact: the majority of medical inductions and c-sections occur between 9-5 monday-friday. hmmm.) your baby is worth the wait and believe it or not–you WILL miss the discomfort of being heavily pregnant because it is the only time during the journey of motherhood where you have baby all to yourself and can be sure of his safety and comfort in your womb.
7. along the lines of induction, avoid pitocin at all costs unless it becomes absolutely medically necessary. (sorry to say that being “tired of being pregnant” and “anxious to meet this little one” are not good reasons.) devour the research on pitocin and how it interferes with the God designed hormone, oxytocin. Michel Odent–google him and read everything his brilliant, French self has to say about oxytocin and birth. artificial pitocin is not a suitable substitute for the love hormone of oxytocin and what you will discover after it’s too late is that bonding is forever altered by interfering with this beautiful Design. you are a big girl. wait on your baby and your body patiently, allow them the time and grace to work together in harmony.
8. read Dr. Sarah Buckley’s “Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering”. just do it. now.
9. ignore 99.9% of the stupid advice and opinions you will hear. ignore your mom. ignore your grandma. ignore your high-strung best friend who thinks even the slightest sore throat requires a doctor’s visit and a course of amoxicillin. ignore the lady in the grocery store who tells you some horror story about how she would have died had her ob not saved her and her baby. and listen to your instincts. they are there for a reason. they will alert you of complications. they will also protect you from unnecessary interference.
10. do not fear the pain. respect it, embrace it, and work with it to birth your baby. do not buy into the culture’s lie that pain is the greatest thing to fear about birth. because you will find that while an epidural might dull the immediate pain of labor and birth, it can never dull the pain of feeling like you have not really bonded with your precious son. it can never dull the pain of being unable to establish a breastfeeding relationship because the two of you were so drugged that you slept for first 5 hours following birth. no, it will not dull the ache in your arms to nuzzle your baby close to your chest and feed him with the best nutrient possible. and it can never dull that ache in your heart that no one else seems to understand, that somehow you have missed out a great rite of passage, pain included–the passage from being a timid, insecure young woman into a strong, empowered mother who knows exactly how incredible her body is, how strong it is and how fearfully and wonderfully made it is.
11. get off the bed and off your back. that silly, humiliating position that you make you give birth in? yeah, it is physiologically speaking the worst possible position for birthing a baby. it makes your pelvis smaller and makes it harder to push your baby out. your doctor will be inconvenienced but don’t consent to that stupid position and those degrading stirrups.
12. just say no to an episiotomy. this won’t really even be an issue if you listen to number 11. your skin is stretchy because, well, God is smart. he knows what he is doing. trust him.
13. the fetal ejection reflex is real. and it’s incredible. wait for it and then spend the next, oh several decades, marveling at how powerful that god-given muscle–the uterus–really is. if the nurse tells you to hold your breath, put your chin on your chest, and push while she shouts numbers in your ear–you have 2 options: ignore her or go ahead and kick her, it might make you feel better.
14. fact: epidurals are derived from cocaine. the drug DOES cross the placental barrier and enters your vulnerable baby’s blood stream and it can do so at a higher rate than it enters your own blood stream. your epidural baby isn’t sleepy, he is drugged. oh the irony of spending 9 months watching your caffeine intake and eating healthy only to pump your newborn baby full of narcotics. again, you are a big girl. yes, it hurts. but it is only for a little while. you are strong and you can do this without drugs( as you will discover eventually). and with an epidural you will never truly appreciate the fetal ejection reflex (see number 13).
15. do your research on circumcision–the risks, the benefits, and what the actual procedure involves. and just fyi, newborn baby boys absolutely do feel pain, pinch his leg and see for yourself.
16. lock yourself away for the first few days after birth. do not have anyone and everyone over to ooh and ahh over your baby. they can wait a few days while you get to know your little one and process all that has happened in those previous few days. you will feel emotionally and physically better because of it. and if they don’t understand or respect your wishes they can wait for their invitation to baby’s first birthday party….or high school graduation if they are that disrespectful.
17. if things do go wrong as they are sometimes prone to do in this broken world, lean on God and your husband. be thankful that you live in a country where there is medical help for you and your baby. needing emergency birth services such as a hospital transfer or c-section does not in anyway undermine your convictions about birth being a normal, physiological process–it confirms them. there are always exceptions, but statistics support your belief that birth is safe. sometimes things do not go as planned, this is called life. sometimes driving a car ends in a crash (statistically it is more dangerous to drive to the hospital than give birth), but you certainly aren’t going to start walking everywhere “just to be safe” especially since you live in the Midwest of America.
18. you are not a failure. so you had an epidural. so you ended up formula feeding. so it took much longer to bond with your baby than you had planned it would. so you have a long list of regrets. you did the best you could with the information that you had at the time. the best thing you can do for yourself and your subsequent babies is learn from the experience and work on not repeating past mistakes. (in case you’re wondering, you do!) education is power. kiss your boy and tell him you’re sorry that you didn’t do things differently, but because of the experience you learned so much more than you ever could have without it and his brothers have reaped the immense benefit. this will delight him because his heart is a giving, compassionate one.
19. when some fool says these words to you (and it really is inevitable I’m afraid…)– ”why do you want to be a martyr”? smack them, hand them a copy of Fox’s Book of Martyrs, and tell them that giving birth without pain medication hardly makes you a martyr and to imply so is an absolute disgrace to the names of the many who have actually suffered and died for their belief in Jesus. and if you’re feeling really cheeky, follow-up with “besides, it just makes me an informed woman”.
20. last but not least, keep calm and hire a midwife. now.
And because I know you and will automatically think that I am just a stuck-up know-it-all, please by all means do your own research. Here are some of the places where I did mine:
PS I would never actually advocate physical violence. please don’t take yourself so seriously that you can’t accomodate a little tongue-in-cheek humor.
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