the thing about boys

“boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.” ~ james thurber

to say that raising four sons is an adventure is an understatement. boys are loud, rowdy, rough, dirty, clumsy, curious, fearless, competitive, reckless, assertive, and that is just for starters.

“of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.” ~ the Greek philosopher, Plato

to some people boys are loud, obnoxious, destructive monsters (oh how i loathe that term for precious boys!) who deserve nothing less than a good wallop across the head. and while I would agree that there are instances when they would indeed benefit from a good wallop, it concerns me that our culture on a whole has this idea that boys need to be tamed and controlled. boys are expected to fit into society’s neat little box of how children should behave at all times for the sake of peace and quiet. we need look no further than the public education system. from the age of 5 boys are trained to sit still, be quiet, use an indoor voice, play gentle games, don’t touch, do worksheets, recite what we tell them. when i home schooled our boys it was almost comical to watch their posture if we were doing an activity or lesson that was clearly uninteresting to them. it would start with a fidgety foot shaking innocently enough. before long the chair would begin to move ever so slightly. within minutes this mysterious creature that i am certain fully resembled a human male child just 5 minutes ago is now a convulsing, gyrating heap on a precariously tipsy chair. i would simply make a mental note of this and resolve to never discuss animal niches or adverbs or fractions in the same way again.

there is a saying, “Boys will be boys”. i don’t like when this saying is used to excuse outrageous misbehavior (i.e. bullying, disrespecting authority), however, i think when applied correctly it is absolutely true. consider if there is a mud puddle, a boy WILL make sure that at least one of his feet firmly steps into said mud puddle. if there is a tree to climb, rest assured he WILL climb it without any thought about how he will come back down when the adventure is over. if there is any inanimate object within his reach he will pretend that it is a gun or sword and pretend to fight and/or kill someone (gasp!). if there is fire he WILL throw sticks, garbage, leaves, stones, or anything else he can get his dirty (but sweet) hands on, into the fire all the while staring at the orange and yellow flames in complete enchantment, awe and respect.

earlier generations had no problem acknowledging that there are unique differences between boys and girls. Boys have a tendency to risk life and limb…for no good reason. it starts early. if there is something to be climbed, my 1 year old benjamin WILL climb it. he will eat anything and everything first and ask questions later. he splashes in the toilet, he chases the dogs, he stomps in puddles, he rakes his chubby fingers through dirt, he watches birds with a gleam in his eye and he shrieks with delight at the sight of an insect. boys love to take risk, especially if it provides an opportunity to impress his friends and get dirty.

girls on the other hand (or so i am told as i have zero experience raising them) tend to think more about the risk and potential dangers of certain behaviors and activities. such as, when riding bikes girls tend to brake sooner and gentler (this is still true today of me driving a car vs. my husband driving a car….). a girl will also usually react more negatively to pain and tend to not repeat the same mistake twice. i believe this is called common sense; it’s something that boys obtain later in their development. 

i’ve been a mom to boys for ten years now and i can say without hesitation that one of my very favorite things about boys is that while they have this tough, macho, and sometimes abrasive outside shell, inside they are nothing but a soft, gentle, loving lump of goo. i believe that boys and men have a God-given internal instinct to fight for justice, to protect and defend the weak, to explore their world, and to get their hands as dirty as possible in the process. i see this instinct in my 10 year old son when he comes home sad and upset because he saw an autistic classmate at school being teased and tormented by school bullies. i see this instinct in my 7 year old when he shows great concern for his baby brother who has just fallen and injured himself.

as i ponder these attributes, i find them absolutely endearing. nothing makes my heart smile more than to see my boys with the freedom to be who they were created to be. nothing fills my heart with love and affection and (dare I say it?) attraction for my husband more than to see him with the freedom to be the man he was created to be.

yet our culture emasculates men and i hate it. was extreme feminism the cause? certainly in part, yes. it may have been unintended but in my opinion it has been the single greatest negative impact of feminism. men can’t seem to do anything right these days–they are either too macho or too feminine, too successful or too lazy, too intellectual or too emotional, too strong or too weak. it seems the line has been blurred and what was once considered gentlemanly behavior–opening the car door, pulling out your chair, offering you his seat, helping you with your shopping bags–can now often be depicted as patronizing or chauvinistic. some women want to be wooed by a man, some find the thought offensive. some women prefer a strong, masculine man, some women prefer a man who is just like them….except a man. What confusing, muddled waters for men to have to navigate. they are damned if they do, damned if they don’t.

it grieves me–no really–it grieves my heart to think that my boys will be shamed for behaving like boys. i hate that some mothers of boys talk about what “terrors” or “monsters” their sons are. give those boys a creative outlet–turn them loose with a pocket knife and cardboard, take them to the woods, stop by the creek, let them make a mud puddle in the back yard (and do not complain about the mess), grab a spade and go to the beach, give them a special job or treasure hunt, buy them that toy sword or gun so they can fight the bad guys. never, never shame them because they love doing these sort of things. love them, play with them, enjoy them, teach them and help them to grow from being rowdy, impulsive boys to strong, principled men.

future generations of women are depending on you.

here are some shots of my boys being boys  :